Marriage Mirage

I went to a wedding today. I seldom go to weddings. I find them tedious, boring affairs where one has to get all togged up and suffer a table full of strangers and hours of interminable small talk. But tonight's wedding was different.

My whole family was invited, but made to sit at separate tables. The parents at one, my married brother and his wife at another, and my yet unmarried sister and I at the kids' table full of singles looking rather out of sorts. Although once we figured out our common fate, our table magically bonded quite nicely and there was enough banter to get us all through the evening with some happy memories.

The thing that struck me yet again, and is keeping me awake at this ungodly hour, was the behaviour of some of my brother's friends. Two, to be exact. My sister and I have known them since we were teenagers. But we've never met their wives. Not even tonight, when we were seated mere tables away from them in the same room. In fact, one of them even made it a point to come over and say hello to us, sans wife.

Which led me to wonder, why the heck won't they introduce us to their other halves? After all, it's not like we would even entertain untoward thoughts about them. It would be like having sexual fantasies about our brother. Yes, YUCK.

Time and age have taught me a few things. From my perspective, the reasons boil down to two possibilities. One - they have fiercely jealous wives who view any woman as competition. Frankly, I find this difficult to believe. After all, these men have jobs. Surely, their wives can accept that they may meet and interact with other women at work. And even if they didn't, would these women view a childhood friend as a threat?

The second possible reason is, I think, the truth. These two boys, and they really are boys in my eyes, are afraid. Afraid that my sister and I would blurt out some innocent detail about them they don't want their wives to know. Oh, nothing harmful. Except maybe their good Malay wives probably don't know they drink like fishes and frequent clubs on a weekly basis.

Which led me to wonder about their married lives. There must be a lot they don't tell their wives. But why is that? And is this the norm that is expected of marriage by our generation?

My mother, throughout my life, has always been part of my father's social life. OK, except for the times he plays golf. But other than that, she knows all the husbands and wives in my Dad's social circle. She knows his colleagues, male and female, single, separated, divorced, married or otherwise. She visits him in the office with the grandchildren. They don't attend functions without each other, unless one is out of the country for some reason.

Growing up, I thought that was what marriage was all about. A life time with someone whom you share your life with in the truest sense of the word. Same friends, same parties, same dinners, same weddings.

Perhaps that is why my sister and I have had it a little difficult in the relationship department. And probably why my parents are not the least surprised either of us have ended up in conventional marriages with good Melayu men.

I don't think I could hack it. In fact, I don't think I deserve it. I deserve more. I deserve a partner who shares hopes and fears, finances and friends with me. I deserve someone who values my opinion, and is unafraid for me to know of this person's past, present and future. I deserve someone who treats me as a best friend and equal, a partner who shares burdens and bundles of joy equally. I deserve someone who will do the dishes with me and ask me to help them pick out the next family car. I deserve someone who is not ashamed of me or of themselves infront of me. I deserve someone who knows all of me and vice versa.

If I settled for anything less, I think I would be selling myself short.

My sister today remarked how most of her friends who married early are now divorced. And I wondered how many of them married shadow husbands and wives. People whose lives were only partially exposed to them. People whose lives only held some doors open and other shut and painted over so you wouldn't even know those doors existed.

When did marriage become a charade?

At our table this evening, I noticed everyone was in their early to mid thirties. But we all had something in common aside from our lack of other halves. We were all a little different from my brother's married friends. One of us had taken a month off to backpack around the Middle East. Another sang in a choir, baked a mean tiramisu and related her bad experience of a four-hour Hash Run with a winsome smile. Someone else was single and unemployed but very bright and I am willing to bet will be a huge success in five years. Yet another was a trader who looked like a typical Chinese business man but had the grace to chat with the girls and the chivalry to offer me a bowl of soup before himself. Another woman designs bonds for a living and spent a year working on the Wall Street trading floor being the only woman surrounded by a horde of Jewish men.

Not for us the mantra of married by 24. Not for us, the straight route from college to chosen life career. Not for us, the kids and MPV just because someone said it was the right thing to do.

But I am willing to wager, when one of us does get married, it will be for the long haul. After all, once you've experimented with the different combinations, you're bound to know which one goes down right, aren't you?

And knowing is something I'll drink to any time.