Still on the subject of marriages....

Call me on-sided but it's really difficult for me to be objective about situations like this. Especially when it involves my about-to-be-married younger sister.

Here's the short version of the wedding saga to date. Boy proposes to Girl but says he doesn't have money for a lavish wedding. He buys her a ring. Girl's father accepts his proposal and welcomes him into the family. Girl's father offers to throw a reception in the couple's honour and foot the whole bill. Girl's father even foregoes the usual tradition of hantaran or dowry.

What does Boy do next?

a. Arrange a small dinner for the two immediate families to get acquainted
b. Display some semblance of appreciation to father-in-law-to-be by means of fair cooperation with the wedding arrangements
c. Offer to forego his subsequent purchases of a new fish tank, DVDs, tech gadgets and the like in order to finance some small part of the wedding (i.e. his own outfit, the wedding cake, or even the photographer's fees)
d. For lack of cash, contribute in kind and volunteer to take on some executional tasks related to the wedding, e.g. coordinate one or two suppliers, make sure his side of the family RSVPs, or even just ensure they turn up properly attired.

Answer: None of the above.

This is what happens instead:
Boy waits for Girl to initiate a meeting between the families. Girl's family proceeds to buy dinner for twenty people, half of whom are members of Boy's family. Boy's family objects to being invited to the Bride's reception because it is too far away. Said family then proceeds to demand more tables than the five allocated. And question the dress code because they couldn't be bothered. Boy's family also expects half the angpow takings for the reception they didn't throw.

Then, and this is the kicker. Four weeks away from the wedding, Boy's family says yes, they would all like hotel rooms for the reception IF the Bride's father is footing the bill.

Not only that. Boy makes more money than Girl. But Girl ends up personally paying for her dress, his outfit, the wedding cake, the videographer and photographer, the florist and an assortment of other little things. She also pays for the honeymoon.

I think there's something wrong with the picture.

Okay, granted, this is a mixed marriage. Malay girl marries Chinese boy. Different cultures, different religions.

Call me an ignorant Malay girl, but I don't have any Chinese friends who would find the above reasonable behaviour within their cultural code. In fact, I don't know any culture that would condone such behaviour.

If this is pre-wedding jitters, I dread to see the arrival of First Grandchild.

Much as I love my sister, I think she has a tough choice. She can walk away now, from someone she loves and trusts with her heart. Or, she can stay, and accept the fact that she will most probably wear the pants in the household, be the bread-winner, financial planner and all things stereotypically male in a marriage.

Then again, this is the girl who once said she wanted God to create a Third Sex.

I guess we should be careful what we wish for.

Marriage Mirage

I went to a wedding today. I seldom go to weddings. I find them tedious, boring affairs where one has to get all togged up and suffer a table full of strangers and hours of interminable small talk. But tonight's wedding was different.

My whole family was invited, but made to sit at separate tables. The parents at one, my married brother and his wife at another, and my yet unmarried sister and I at the kids' table full of singles looking rather out of sorts. Although once we figured out our common fate, our table magically bonded quite nicely and there was enough banter to get us all through the evening with some happy memories.

The thing that struck me yet again, and is keeping me awake at this ungodly hour, was the behaviour of some of my brother's friends. Two, to be exact. My sister and I have known them since we were teenagers. But we've never met their wives. Not even tonight, when we were seated mere tables away from them in the same room. In fact, one of them even made it a point to come over and say hello to us, sans wife.

Which led me to wonder, why the heck won't they introduce us to their other halves? After all, it's not like we would even entertain untoward thoughts about them. It would be like having sexual fantasies about our brother. Yes, YUCK.

Time and age have taught me a few things. From my perspective, the reasons boil down to two possibilities. One - they have fiercely jealous wives who view any woman as competition. Frankly, I find this difficult to believe. After all, these men have jobs. Surely, their wives can accept that they may meet and interact with other women at work. And even if they didn't, would these women view a childhood friend as a threat?

The second possible reason is, I think, the truth. These two boys, and they really are boys in my eyes, are afraid. Afraid that my sister and I would blurt out some innocent detail about them they don't want their wives to know. Oh, nothing harmful. Except maybe their good Malay wives probably don't know they drink like fishes and frequent clubs on a weekly basis.

Which led me to wonder about their married lives. There must be a lot they don't tell their wives. But why is that? And is this the norm that is expected of marriage by our generation?

My mother, throughout my life, has always been part of my father's social life. OK, except for the times he plays golf. But other than that, she knows all the husbands and wives in my Dad's social circle. She knows his colleagues, male and female, single, separated, divorced, married or otherwise. She visits him in the office with the grandchildren. They don't attend functions without each other, unless one is out of the country for some reason.

Growing up, I thought that was what marriage was all about. A life time with someone whom you share your life with in the truest sense of the word. Same friends, same parties, same dinners, same weddings.

Perhaps that is why my sister and I have had it a little difficult in the relationship department. And probably why my parents are not the least surprised either of us have ended up in conventional marriages with good Melayu men.

I don't think I could hack it. In fact, I don't think I deserve it. I deserve more. I deserve a partner who shares hopes and fears, finances and friends with me. I deserve someone who values my opinion, and is unafraid for me to know of this person's past, present and future. I deserve someone who treats me as a best friend and equal, a partner who shares burdens and bundles of joy equally. I deserve someone who will do the dishes with me and ask me to help them pick out the next family car. I deserve someone who is not ashamed of me or of themselves infront of me. I deserve someone who knows all of me and vice versa.

If I settled for anything less, I think I would be selling myself short.

My sister today remarked how most of her friends who married early are now divorced. And I wondered how many of them married shadow husbands and wives. People whose lives were only partially exposed to them. People whose lives only held some doors open and other shut and painted over so you wouldn't even know those doors existed.

When did marriage become a charade?

At our table this evening, I noticed everyone was in their early to mid thirties. But we all had something in common aside from our lack of other halves. We were all a little different from my brother's married friends. One of us had taken a month off to backpack around the Middle East. Another sang in a choir, baked a mean tiramisu and related her bad experience of a four-hour Hash Run with a winsome smile. Someone else was single and unemployed but very bright and I am willing to bet will be a huge success in five years. Yet another was a trader who looked like a typical Chinese business man but had the grace to chat with the girls and the chivalry to offer me a bowl of soup before himself. Another woman designs bonds for a living and spent a year working on the Wall Street trading floor being the only woman surrounded by a horde of Jewish men.

Not for us the mantra of married by 24. Not for us, the straight route from college to chosen life career. Not for us, the kids and MPV just because someone said it was the right thing to do.

But I am willing to wager, when one of us does get married, it will be for the long haul. After all, once you've experimented with the different combinations, you're bound to know which one goes down right, aren't you?

And knowing is something I'll drink to any time.

On your knees, boy!

I am very disturbed. No, I'm not talking about my new hair colour acquired in a moment of temporary insanity. I am very disturbed by a statement by one of the UMNO boys. Apparently, according to this man some have entrusted as their public representative, if women can't fight rape they should just lie down and enjoy it.

Well enjoy this, you asshole. Imagine it was your sixteen-year old daughter being molested by your favourite brother. Or how about your own Dad. Imagine it was your sister being sodomised by your best friend, her vagina torn. Imagine it was your chaste wife being forced to give your boss head infront of you.

Imagine how the next time the man in her life touches her she will cringe and grit her teeth. And your erection will have no relief. And you just swallowed enough Viagra to keep you hard for a decade.

Imagine that, you bastard. And you might just begin to understand the weight of your words.

Oh, but you're a man of limited capabilities, aren't you?

So let me make it easier for you to understand. How would you like it if another man forced you at gun point to blow him hard while another shafted you up the behind till you bled?

There's been a lot of debate around the world and in our country about making the sentence for a rape conviction more severe. It's the system, you say? It's bad upbringing? It's lack of education?

Which one of those failed YOU?

Maybe they should attack the REAL culprits. The powerful who perpetuate the myth about sex being a man's right and a woman's obligation. The influential who refuse to acknowledge acts of emotional and mental torture as criminal. The monied who think a whore actually enjoys being fucked.

UMNO Boy, you need to be removed from your post. It doesn't matter whether or not your portfolio is relevant to the issue. Hey, Bill Clinton's career went on trial because he had CONSENTING sex with a woman. You're talking about a crime, and you're saying a woman should just surrender and try to derive some entertainment value from this heinous and misguided attempt at exerting power?

Try smiling when someone stabs you in the chest. And you have to spend the rest of your life with a knife sticking out of your head.

Please do not marry. If you're married, please leave your wife - for her sake. And for the love of God, please find the decency to resign. Before the second, more submissive and less powerful half of the voting population forces you to your knees. Because if we do, you better give good head.

And you had better look like you're enjoying it.

People are allowed to make mistakes. The problem I have with what you said is that it wasn't a Freudian slip. It was a reflection of who you are.

And who you are, takes more than just an "I'm sorry" to change.